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Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
18 January 2005 @ 09:08 pm
Trust.
It's such a small word to describe something so immense.

Dictionary.com describes it with the following:

  1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

  2. Custody; care.

  3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.


  4. a.    The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
    b.    One in which confidence is placed.

  5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.




I admit that I do not trust many people. I could have all of the people I trust counted on one hand and still hold a finger or a few down against my palm.
I have gone through life placing my trust in unstable holders and been burned when the trust was annihilated. There is nobody to blame but myself.

I was with my man of less than 2 months on Sunday. We had been watching a movie when his mobile phone rang.
He answered and I heard a woman talking to him.
He seemed to know her, not a surprise unless you consider the explanation of her afterwards.
She was inviting him out, but he told her he was with a friend and that she was too late. Yes, she might only just have found out she was going somewhere but he was doing something now and couldn't make it. He was sorry and hung up.

I half-joked and said he was welcome to leave if he had better things to be doing. He said that it was a member of the Hare Krishna's, inviting him to go with them to their temple. He had stopped to talk to them and they had somehow found out his number and were inviting him to worship with them.
I informed him that unless he had given out his mobile number it was virtually impossible for a person to get the mobile number of another person. He claimed ignorance about it and that was that.


If he had told me it was a female friend I wouldn't have minded. I have male friends and certainly shan't be ignoring them now I am with him.
It was just the excuse he used. The familiarity of the woman on the phone was in his voice, unless he talks to everyone as though they were best friends?  Why use such an impossible excuse?  It worried me.
Everybody has secrets. I have my fair share, for example, the real reason I will not allow myself to think about having children. He has his and I would like to respect that, if only I can get past this feeling of doubt.

If I am honest, the reason I do not trust this thing with him? It seems too good to be true. And I know that the beginning is always the stage where you lie to present yourself in your best manner before your partner finds out the truly worst in the following months. Unless we take the way I have behaved towards him of course.
I have been rude and sarcastic, mocking him at the slightest provocation, letting him know in my normal blunt little manner that I have had no need of anyone in the past 4 years and informing him that I could do quite well without him.

Saying that though, the last few weeks I have felt something that scares me more than I can probably admit which I know is the reason I keep trying to erect barriers between us, saying things to keep things playful rather than romantic, mocking him rather than telling him just how much I really like him.
I do like him. Nothing more than that, but that is due to the Prozac's numbing effects over everything.
I have been the perfect little response toy since taking the Prozac, responding as I feel people want me to rather than in the blank way I do at home. I can talk on the phone in front of people and be physically "happy", and I can talk at home, sounding exactly the same while sitting in my chair staring blankly at space.
Coming off the Prozac is a thought that tantalises me from time to time. Imagine my normal reactions without trying to force an emotion?
But I don't think I could handle my man without it. I get sucked into needing this kind of thing far too easily without the Prozac making me keep myself back and if he is only screwing me around while he is in the country, I would rather be able to feel hurt through the fog than through and through.
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
17 January 2005 @ 02:20 am
The next 2 weeks are going to be bad.

In my purse right now is a £2 coin, a 20p and a 10p.
I have nothing in the bank and no other money besides this.

Last month and the month before I asked my friend Chris to help me out which he did. I can't ask him this month, borrowing more is just taking the piss.

I don't know what I am going to do. I keep praying something good will happen but I can't see how it will.

On Thursday my monthly zone 3 travelcard runs out and because I don't happen to have a spare £43.10 I will be walking to and from work from Friday.
That is not to mention the food I can't afford to buy.

I'm fucked
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
09 January 2005 @ 11:52 pm
I'm watching From Dusk til Dawn on Channel 4

Am feeling the Salma love all over again :)
 
 
Current Music: From Dusk til Dawn
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
05 January 2005 @ 08:50 pm
This is probably going to sound completely heartless but it's a rant I have to get off my chest.

One of the headlines on a paper today: Britians youngest victim, parents talk of the worst case in the disaster (or something like that).
The victim in question was only 59 days old when she died. Worse, she was the grandaughter of a Bill actor. My GOD!

Now, I don't know the official figure for the confirmed dead but how can this one little baby be the worst thing to come out of the disaster? How about the pregnant women? Their babies are floating in the sublime contentment of the womb before they drown because their mothers have drowned and are no longer providing oxygen.
Hey, how about all the chldren who watched their parents drown? Or vice versa?
How about all of the people who haven't had a decent burial because they've been shoved in a hole with hundreds of other corpses?

The last 9 days have been filled with a growing number of official dead "Brits". Wasn't it at 200 or something yesterday? Can I ask why it's worse that 200 Brits are dead compared to the thousands of people native to the countries destroyed by the Tsunami?
Even if it reaches 500, 1000 or even 5000, is it really any worse than the people who survived the Tsunami only to die from lack of clean food, water and shelter? Is it any worse than the future that these people now have to contemplate knowing that their entire lives has been swept away?
Toourists that survived the Tsunami can come home and rebuild their lives simply by entering their home and job, reminding themselves how lucky they are to still be alive. But the locals will not be entering their own homes and they will not be leaving their home every morning to go to their job.

The papers have aggravated me beyond anything! 8 pages devoted to the life of that little 59 day old baby, her famous grandfathers heartache, her parents misery and the life her family led until Boxing day. But lets forget the real people out there!!!

Okay, I'm going to let this go now. Rant over.
 
 
Current Mood: Fucked off to be honest
 
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
29 December 2004 @ 11:10 pm
I have just been on another date with Martijn.
We went to see the House of Flying Daggers - the most beautiful comedy I have ever seen! Everything was just that little too dramatic, but the scenery was breathtaking. The death scene was just too much, everyone in the cinema was laughing. I doubt the film makers would be too pleased at that, but I couldn't help but wonder when the person was just going to die for the last time!!!

Apart from that I had a lovely time with Martijn, he was really sweet and I enjoyed being with him :)
 
 
Current Mood: goodgood
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
07 December 2004 @ 01:46 am
Playing a mostly uninterrupted game of The Sims 2 for close to 6 hours, knowing I have to be up in 6 hours is a really bad idea.

But that bad idea was such fun!!!!
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
15 October 2004 @ 08:26 pm
My friend Chris is coming over tonight

Should be fun :)
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
28 September 2004 @ 12:58 am
I decided to fix a chest of drawers today with "No more nails". They've never been fixed right and I decided once and for all that I was going to do it today.

I asked ONE of my housemates for help. We were in the process of fixing it when the French guy who also lives here (who has spent the last few months ignoring everyone in the house - except the cute girl in the room next door to me - decided he was going to interfere with his better "liquid nails".

The base and the sides were seperate, as was the front, but the back and 2 sides were joined. He used so much pressure that the sides came off. He used so much glue that it is all over the drawer and had to be put outside and he decided to use real nails to fix the sides which has really screwed everything up even more!

The drawer is still outside and I am going to have to throw it away because it will no longer fit in my chest of drawers (the nails, glue and new width have immobilised the groove)

I'm pissed off and now need to buy a new chest which I can't afford :(

Why are men so fucking useless?????
 
 
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
21 September 2004 @ 12:14 am
I have spent the last 2 nights playing THE SIMS 2.

There isn't much else I can say except that it is a million times better than the first one could ever hope to be!!!!!!

My only regret is that the nights are too short to allow mass gaming experience combined with a full nights sleep, but I guess I can make up the sleep on my days off!!! ;)
 
 
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
 
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
18 September 2004 @ 08:36 am
I went to the pub with a really nice guy last night who I met at work (a customer, not colleague).
I had such a ball, he's really funny :)
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
12 September 2004 @ 03:26 pm
I was so exhausted last night after work that I came home at 7 and went to bed for a nap, waking up this morning!!!

Am in the middle of trying to get things tidy :)
 
 
Current Mood: awakeawake
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
10 September 2004 @ 12:40 am
I can't believe I am still awake at this time waiting for a washing machine to finish so that I can get to bed and be up early for work tomorrow.

I feel like I have wasted my mini-holiday sleeping and not much else besides, but I guess I needed the rest.

Now to wait, hang up my washing and sleep. I just hope I wake up at 7am!!!
 
 
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
06 September 2004 @ 01:10 pm
I saw an old friend I haven't seen for at least five years yesterday. The last time I heard from her was when I sent a letter to her telling her I lived in London about 4 years ago and we were writing to each other until my ex and I broke up and I had to move. In the unsettlement I forgot to write to her and tell her what was happening.
A few years back I tried calling and was told by her dad that she no longer lived there and he put the phone down before I could ask where she now lived.
Well, about a month ago I was looking through an old address book and saw her name and address. I decided to write her a letter to see if she answered, which she did!
We've written to each other a few times before deciding to meet up!
She's now married and is the middle of buying her first house with her husband Barry! They looked so right together and very much in love, it was wonderful to see.
We chatted about everything! From breast reductions (as you do) to everything that has happened to us over the past 5 years! It was wonderful and natural and I can't wait to see her again!!!!!!
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
04 September 2004 @ 11:21 pm
After going bowling with the people from work tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I either have to train intensly until the next time I go Bowling, or just not bother going next time.
I was awful! I came 2nd from last and there were 7 of us

*hides in embarrasment*
 
 
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
 
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
After waking up at 3pm and rushing to get ready to see The Village with my friend Martin, I have to say that any bad reviews done on that film are badly misinformed! The village is thoughtful, innocent and very powerful and I would love to watch it a second time!!!
Martin wasn't as easily impressed and said that he had guessed what the twist in the movie would be but I had no idea! It struck me for six when I realised what had actually happened!

Today is day 2 of being back on the Fluoxetine (prozac) capsules. Everything is beginning to feel that little bit numb which was the reason I came off them the last time, after all, is it better to feel all the shit that happens, or to know the shit is happening and yet not be emotionally affected??? It's taken me 9 months to figure it out but I'm beginning to think that maybe feeling emotionally numb about most things is a good way to protect myself? Some people can deal with depression. I know that I can, but sometimes I'd rather pass on the fight.

As well as all that, I have lost one of my Corydoras catfish somehow
And my elder sister is conviced that our mother and her husband are going to divorce because of a nasty rumour going about town and an interfering friend.
I guess it shall have to be "Watch this space" until I know for certain if it is just high tempers or something that will seriously happen. Knowing my family it will all blow over in another week or two.
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
19 August 2004 @ 10:38 pm
My last 2 days have been eventful to say the least.

A really hellish day at work yesterday followed by an evening at the cinema to see I-Robot with Martin, which was fantastic!!!

And as for today, I woke up at 3pm and had to rush to get to Harlow for my doctors appointment at 4.30pm.
My doctor has put me back on Prozac which I can start taking 10 days from when I last took my other anti-depressant.
 
 
Current Mood: groggygroggy
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
17 August 2004 @ 01:05 am
Done a slightly silly thing - I have forgotten to get a repeat prescription of my anti depressant sent to me.

I have a feeling a lot of people will hate me this week.

Bah! I need to speak to my doctor about changing it anyway, apparently I am too aggressive and get angry too easily to be normal.

I hate juggling meds  o_O
 
 
Current Mood: worriedworried
 
 
Atanvarne Encaitare Roquen
17 August 2004 @ 12:25 am
I have decided to start using this journal again. Not for any reason other than so people who visit my website can get random info about what I am up to these days.

My deepest darkest secrets will stay locked up where they should be, but people can read about my random acts of "getting on with my life" and all that jazz.

Time to split
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Avril Lavigne - Complicated