My year has been filled with many false turns.
My husband and I are as far apart as we ever were.
I've had 2 other men in my life in the last 11 months, both of whom I've lost.
Martijn and I tried being friends, but we couldn't make our friendship work after our relationship. We said goodbye and I've not seen him since.

In September I met up with an old friend, Helen, whom I haven't seen for many years. Whilst meeting her I also met up with a man called Lee, a friend I used to flirt outrageously with when I worked on the railway 5 years ago and whom I lost contact with because back then he was married and I was living with my ex boyfriend Ben. We decided we couldn't take things further and I lost contact out of respect to Ben.

Meeting up 5 years later I learn he and his wife from back then divorced. He remarried and has 2 stunningly beautiful girls, one 3yrs and another just over a year. His wife and he are seperated.
We decided to meet up on Sunday 4th September for a drink. Until then we swapped over 100 texts with each other, falling back into flirting as if the last 5 years hadn't passed. It quickly became a date. And then before I knew what was happening we had arranged that he would be meeting me the next day for lunch after spending the night.
It scared me because I have never done this kind of thing before, but I allowed myself to go with it and just allow it to happen.
Sunday arrived and we met as planned, went for a drink and talked. I learnt everything about his ex wives. I also learnt that he loved his children very much.
He'd been browsing my website and learnt everything he needed to know about me.
We went back to mine and waking up with him next to me was strange, but comfortable.
We quickly settled into a routine that first week. He would meet me from work, we'd walk home, prepare dinner and go to bed.
I went to a wedding with him the following Sunday and drank too much wine. His friend warned him to take this one slowly, not knowing we were already sleeping together and in the routine.
The second week I saw him only a few times.
The third week I saw him twice. He was back at work. He came to stay round mine after work one night. He got to mine at 11pm and I should have gone to bed at 10. My sleeping routine had already been sabotaged.
The third week I saw him once, when I'd needed to go to the NHS walk in centre with a swollen eye that had come with a viral infection.
The fourth week he had the infection and spent much of his time in bed.

During the last 3 weeks the contact had slowly disappeared. I know he was short of cash, but suddenly I wasn't worth the cost of a text message, or the effort of a phone call from work. I was becoming neglected and we were only together a short while.
The last 3 weeks had started to feel like that horrendous time at the end of a relationship when you know that it's just not going to work, there's just no future.
It's the time when you wait a little while in the hope that something happens to rest your fears but you know that it's not going to.

When we were together my fears were eased, I could feel myself becoming further embroiled in the thing that was "us" when I was with him.
While I was sick I'd crashed out on his bed. He stroked my hair and I was comforted.
I was beginning to fall for him. The speed it was happening terrified me and I kept trying to draw myself mentally away from that because I would only get hurt. I think I failed. Our friendship had made everything happen that much quicker and I was getting deeply immersed emotionally.

When we weren't together I felt sick. The lack of contact on his part started making me feel used. I kept trying to remind myself that he didn't have the money, but he could afford to call his kids every night before they went to bed. I wasn't worth anything.

I decided to end it before I became too emotionally involved. I'd already spoken to him about how it seemed he had his entire life in Harlow while I was out of the way in East London. To give him his credit, he picked up on that. I tried getting him to meet up with me in a pub so I could end it in a civilised way. He was too sick.

A few days later he sent a text asking if it would be ok to call because we needed to talk. I knew he was ending things and my stomach sank, even though I knew it had to happen.
He called and we ended things amicably, saying how we would stay friends with me trying to joke about us maybe going out to pull some women together. He seemed fine about everything, but I may have missed something, I was trying so hard to keep myself together.
I tried explaining how I had felt during the last few weeks, about the neglect. I told him that I could feel my depression trying to return (all of my fears about him had brought the old demons back to taunt me). I also told him about my confusion regarding my sexuality.
Maybe I should have said something else instead of all this? Maybe I shouldn't have said any of it.
I thought being honest was the only way to go forward.

I've seen Lee a few times since. He seems extremely reluctant to talk to me. Walking away from me to deal with something "important" seems to be the way our friendship will work.
He knows that I have deleted his phone number. I'd be texting him all the time otherwise in the vain hope that he would reply.

I hurt when I think about him. He was important to me, mainly because he had never really disappeared from my head in the 5 years we hadn't seen each other, always one of the first people I thought about when I thought about the railway. I wanted him 5 years ago, got him and then lost him within a month. A record, even for me.

I don't think I was in love with him. Falling maybe, but trying very hard not to.
It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since we ended it. I feel broken.

Fate has a lot to answer for.

I spoke to my husband today and he suggested that we go out and do something together, to celebrate our anniversary- seeing as we missed it on the 17th. I told him that I'd like to do that.

It's funny how since the annulment fell through Riz has become so much more relaxed - almost as though he's prepared to put aside our differences concerning our religeons (or lack of on my part).
I know I hurt him when I was seeing the Dutch guy during our annulment proceedings, but then he was the driving force behind trying to break up our marriage, not me! The Dutch guy was just someone I fell for on the rebound - and look what a disaster that turned out to be?

He said he'll come round so we shall see what happens :)

Firstly, cartoons!

Finally, a church that endorses sex!

Prayer time at school

Doonsbury

The dangers of drink flying

The Day after a Samhain party

Why Witches don't eat American kids

And the rest are under a cut to save your flist :D

( Top 13 Reasons to become a Witch )

( Pagan terms )

( You Know You're a Witch When... )

A few things that I have decided to keep out of my main journal regarding Martijn.

It feels very strange knowing that after 3 months of being "with someone" I am once again back in the place I have been for the past 4 years. The relationship came out of nowhere, I certainly wasn't looking for it and was content to continue the way I have been, but now that it's over I no longer feel content with what I have. I miss having him calling me with that accent of his, the way he would talk on the phone, and the way I would catch him looking at me (something that made me very uneasy at first).

Worse than feeling this bereft is knowing that he might have been thinking about this for a few weeks but for me it was completely out of the blue. One minute he is kissing me, touching my face and holding me, the next he is talking about why he doesn't feel the relationship can continue, in ways that I can't understand.

Last Wednesday I gave him the option to just end the relationship. We were sitting in the pub and I told him that he didn't have to stay with me. I went to the pub convinced I'd be single by the time I walked out of it. The relief afterwards lifted me and I realised then how much I had fallen for him.

Then came my birthday Friday. We had a fun evening, we ate pizza and watched TV, had a play fight and messed around. Except then came the words I hadn't expected. He left me on my birthday that night wondering if he would end the relationship then.
I had a party Saturday night and he came around again with presents, kissing me and watching as myself and a friend got everything ready.
I craved to know what he had decided. I needed to know.
I pulled him to my bedroom and we talked. He as good as told me that it was over.

I'm horribly confused and this man was the only thing I was sure about. Him finishing it before we became physically intimate would have helped (although that was never going to happen) or him finishing it a few days before/after my birthday would have made things that little easier to bear when I was supposed to be hostess but spent most of the time in my room wondering what the hell had just happened?

I was upset, then angry. Now I just feel empty.

I've done the only thing I thought I could do. I've deleted all of his telephone numbers and email so that I can ignore all of my urges to call him, I can't remember his number off the top of my head so I have no way of contacting him.
I've also deleted his from my journal so that I can't see his posts (if he makes any) and so he can't read my main journal.

I guess that's it.

My issues yet again

I'm worried about Martijn. Or should that read scared?

He tells me he thinks I am beautiful and I know he needs lenses the thickness of a pavement slab to see properly but how can he think that calling me beautiful will make me warm more to him?
I am not beautiful. I know this. I see this every single time I look in a mirror. My face is too fat, I have acne scars and even at 25 I get spots *thinks of the 3 on her face as she types*

Martijn also keeps telling me how much he likes me. This scares me more than anything.
How can he like me when I despise myself so much? I think of myself and feel loathing so deep I wish I had the courage to stab myself with a knife over and over.
This is the general undercurrent of my life. It has been for my entire consciousness.  How can I make this man see that his telling me he likes me makes me more and more afraid?

I don't want to live past 45. But it's times like this when I think I don't want to reach 30.

Martijn seems like a decent guy, he doesn't deserve the shit I keep handing him.
I've given him opportunity after opportunity to end it but I might have to do it once and for all, just to stop him from getting hurt. I don't particularly want to, but I don't want to get so emotionally entangled with him that when this ends (which it will, because all things do) I end up worse than I already am and he hates me.

Shit! I have told myself over the last 4 years to not get emotionally involved with anyone again until I am mentally fit to do so.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

Trust.
It's such a small word to describe something so immense.

Dictionary.com describes it with the following:

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.


2. Custody; care.


3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.


4. 
   a.    The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
   b.    One in which confidence is placed.


5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.

I admit that I do not trust many people. I could have all of the people I trust counted on one hand and still hold a finger or a few down against my palm.
I have gone through life placing my trust in unstable holders and been burned when the trust was annihilated. There is nobody to blame but myself.

I was with my man of less than 2 months on Sunday. We had been watching a movie when his mobile phone rang.
He answered and I heard a woman talking to him.
He seemed to know her, not a surprise unless you consider the explanation of her afterwards.
She was inviting him out, but he told her he was with a friend and that she was too late. Yes, she might only just have found out she was going somewhere but he was doing something now and couldn't make it. He was sorry and hung up.

I half-joked and said he was welcome to leave if he had better things to be doing. He said that it was a member of the Hare Krishna's, inviting him to go with them to their temple. He had stopped to talk to them and they had somehow found out his number and were inviting him to worship with them.
I informed him that unless he had given out his mobile number it was virtually impossible for a person to get the mobile number of another person. He claimed ignorance about it and that was that.


If he had told me it was a female friend I wouldn't have minded. I have male friends and certainly shan't be ignoring them now I am with him.
It was just the excuse he used. The familiarity of the woman on the phone was in his voice, unless he talks to everyone as though they were best friends?  Why use such an impossible excuse?  It worried me.
Everybody has secrets. I have my fair share, for example, the real reason I will not allow myself to think about having children. He has his and I would like to respect that, if only I can get past this feeling of doubt.

If I am honest, the reason I do not trust this thing with him? It seems too good to be true. And I know that the beginning is always the stage where you lie to present yourself in your best manner before your partner finds out the truly worst in the following months. Unless we take the way I have behaved towards him of course.
I have been rude and sarcastic, mocking him at the slightest provocation, letting him know in my normal blunt little manner that I have had no need of anyone in the past 4 years and informing him that I could do quite well without him.

Saying that though, the last few weeks I have felt something that scares me more than I can probably admit which I know is the reason I keep trying to erect barriers between us, saying things to keep things playful rather than romantic, mocking him rather than telling him just how much I really like him.
I do like him. Nothing more than that, but that is due to the Prozac's numbing effects over everything.
I have been the perfect little response toy since taking the Prozac, responding as I feel people want me to rather than in the blank way I do at home. I can talk on the phone in front of people and be physically "happy", and I can talk at home, sounding exactly the same while sitting in my chair staring blankly at space.
Coming off the Prozac is a thought that tantalises me from time to time. Imagine my normal reactions without trying to force an emotion?
But I don't think I could handle my man without it. I get sucked into needing this kind of thing far too easily without the Prozac making me keep myself back and if he is only screwing me around while he is in the country, I would rather be able to feel hurt through the fog than through and through.

The next 2 weeks are going to be bad.

In my purse right now is a £2 coin, a 20p and a 10p.
I have nothing in the bank and no other money besides this.

Last month and the month before I asked my friend Chris to help me out which he did. I can't ask him this month, borrowing more is just taking the piss.

I don't know what I am going to do. I keep praying something good will happen but I can't see how it will.

On Thursday my monthly zone 3 travelcard runs out and because I don't happen to have a spare £43.10 I will be walking to and from work from Friday.
That is not to mention the food I can't afford to buy.

I'm fucked

I'm watching From Dusk til Dawn on Channel 4

Am feeling the Salma love all over again :)

This is probably going to sound completely heartless but it's a rant I have to get off my chest.

One of the headlines on a paper today: Britians youngest victim, parents talk of the worst case in the disaster (or something like that).
The victim in question was only 59 days old when she died. Worse, she was the grandaughter of a Bill actor. My GOD!

Now, I don't know the official figure for the confirmed dead but how can this one little baby be the worst thing to come out of the disaster? How about the pregnant women? Their babies are floating in the sublime contentment of the womb before they drown because their mothers have drowned and are no longer providing oxygen.
Hey, how about all the chldren who watched their parents drown? Or vice versa?
How about all of the people who haven't had a decent burial because they've been shoved in a hole with hundreds of other corpses?

The last 9 days have been filled with a growing number of official dead "Brits". Wasn't it at 200 or something yesterday? Can I ask why it's worse that 200 Brits are dead compared to the thousands of people native to the countries destroyed by the Tsunami?
Even if it reaches 500, 1000 or even 5000, is it really any worse than the people who survived the Tsunami only to die from lack of clean food, water and shelter? Is it any worse than the future that these people now have to contemplate knowing that their entire lives has been swept away?
Toourists that survived the Tsunami can come home and rebuild their lives simply by entering their home and job, reminding themselves how lucky they are to still be alive. But the locals will not be entering their own homes and they will not be leaving their home every morning to go to their job.

The papers have aggravated me beyond anything! 8 pages devoted to the life of that little 59 day old baby, her famous grandfathers heartache, her parents misery and the life her family led until Boxing day. But lets forget the real people out there!!!

Okay, I'm going to let this go now. Rant over.

I have just been on another date with Martijn.
We went to see the House of Flying Daggers - the most beautiful comedy I have ever seen! Everything was just that little too dramatic, but the scenery was breathtaking. The death scene was just too much, everyone in the cinema was laughing. I doubt the film makers would be too pleased at that, but I couldn't help but wonder when the person was just going to die for the last time!!!

Apart from that I had a lovely time with Martijn, he was really sweet and I enjoyed being with him :)

Playing a mostly uninterrupted game of The Sims 2 for close to 6 hours, knowing I have to be up in 6 hours is a really bad idea.

But that bad idea was such fun!!!!

My friend Chris is coming over tonight

Should be fun :)

I decided to fix a chest of drawers today with "No more nails". They've never been fixed right and I decided once and for all that I was going to do it today.

I asked ONE of my housemates for help. We were in the process of fixing it when the French guy who also lives here (who has spent the last few months ignoring everyone in the house - except the cute girl in the room next door to me - decided he was going to interfere with his better "liquid nails".

The base and the sides were seperate, as was the front, but the back and 2 sides were joined. He used so much pressure that the sides came off. He used so much glue that it is all over the drawer and had to be put outside and he decided to use real nails to fix the sides which has really screwed everything up even more!

The drawer is still outside and I am going to have to throw it away because it will no longer fit in my chest of drawers (the nails, glue and new width have immobilised the groove)

I'm pissed off and now need to buy a new chest which I can't afford :(

Why are men so fucking useless?????

I have spent the last 2 nights playing THE SIMS 2.

There isn't much else I can say except that it is a million times better than the first one could ever hope to be!!!!!!

My only regret is that the nights are too short to allow mass gaming experience combined with a full nights sleep, but I guess I can make up the sleep on my days off!!! ;)

I went to the pub with a really nice guy last night who I met at work (a customer, not colleague).
I had such a ball, he's really funny :)

Hubby is paying to go to university this month and can't afford to give me rent money.

This means I am in financial strife!

Rent: £350
Loan repayment £500
Credit card repayment: £260
Others I can't think of now.

And all that out of a measley £700 monthly wage

And then people wonder why I think that life is just not worth it sometimes :(

I was so exhausted last night after work that I came home at 7 and went to bed for a nap, waking up this morning!!!

Am in the middle of trying to get things tidy :)

I can't believe I am still awake at this time waiting for a washing machine to finish so that I can get to bed and be up early for work tomorrow.

I feel like I have wasted my mini-holiday sleeping and not much else besides, but I guess I needed the rest.

Now to wait, hang up my washing and sleep. I just hope I wake up at 7am!!!

I saw an old friend I haven't seen for at least five years yesterday. The last time I heard from her was when I sent a letter to her telling her I lived in London about 4 years ago and we were writing to each other until my ex and I broke up and I had to move. In the unsettlement I forgot to write to her and tell her what was happening.
A few years back I tried calling and was told by her dad that she no longer lived there and he put the phone down before I could ask where she now lived.
Well, about a month ago I was looking through an old address book and saw her name and address. I decided to write her a letter to see if she answered, which she did!
We've written to each other a few times before deciding to meet up!
She's now married and is the middle of buying her first house with her husband Barry! They looked so right together and very much in love, it was wonderful to see.
We chatted about everything! From breast reductions (as you do) to everything that has happened to us over the past 5 years! It was wonderful and natural and I can't wait to see her again!!!!!!

After going bowling with the people from work tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I either have to train intensly until the next time I go Bowling, or just not bother going next time.
I was awful! I came 2nd from last and there were 7 of us

*hides in embarrasment*

After waking up at 3pm and rushing to get ready to see The Village with my friend Martin, I have to say that any bad reviews done on that film are badly misinformed! The village is thoughtful, innocent and very powerful and I would love to watch it a second time!!!
Martin wasn't as easily impressed and said that he had guessed what the twist in the movie would be but I had no idea! It struck me for six when I realised what had actually happened!

Today is day 2 of being back on the Fluoxetine (prozac) capsules. Everything is beginning to feel that little bit numb which was the reason I came off them the last time, after all, is it better to feel all the shit that happens, or to know the shit is happening and yet not be emotionally affected??? It's taken me 9 months to figure it out but I'm beginning to think that maybe feeling emotionally numb about most things is a good way to protect myself? Some people can deal with depression. I know that I can, but sometimes I'd rather pass on the fight.

As well as all that, I have lost one of my Corydoras catfish somehow
And my elder sister is conviced that our mother and her husband are going to divorce because of a nasty rumour going about town and an interfering friend.
I guess it shall have to be "Watch this space" until I know for certain if it is just high tempers or something that will seriously happen. Knowing my family it will all blow over in another week or two.

My last 2 days have been eventful to say the least.

A really hellish day at work yesterday followed by an evening at the cinema to see I-Robot with Martin, which was fantastic!!!

And as for today, I woke up at 3pm and had to rush to get to Harlow for my doctors appointment at 4.30pm.
My doctor has put me back on Prozac which I can start taking 10 days from when I last took my other anti-depressant.

Done a slightly silly thing - I have forgotten to get a repeat prescription of my anti depressant sent to me.

I have a feeling a lot of people will hate me this week.

Bah! I need to speak to my doctor about changing it anyway, apparently I am too aggressive and get angry too easily to be normal.

I hate juggling meds  o_O

I have decided to start using this journal again. Not for any reason other than so people who visit my website can get random info about what I am up to these days.

My deepest darkest secrets will stay locked up where they should be, but people can read about my random acts of "getting on with my life" and all that jazz.

Time to split