It's such a small word to describe something so immense.
Dictionary.com describes it with the following:
- Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
- Custody; care.
- Something committed into the care of another; charge.
a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
b. One in which confidence is placed.
- Reliance on something in the future; hope.
I admit that I do not trust many people. I could have all of the people I trust counted on one hand and still hold a finger or a few down against my palm.
I have gone through life placing my trust in unstable holders and been burned when the trust was annihilated. There is nobody to blame but myself.
I was with my man of less than 2 months on Sunday. We had been watching a movie when his mobile phone rang.
He answered and I heard a woman talking to him.
He seemed to know her, not a surprise unless you consider the explanation of her afterwards.
She was inviting him out, but he told her he was with a friend and that she was too late. Yes, she might only just have found out she was going somewhere but he was doing something now and couldn't make it. He was sorry and hung up.
I half-joked and said he was welcome to leave if he had better things to be doing. He said that it was a member of the Hare Krishna's, inviting him to go with them to their temple. He had stopped to talk to them and they had somehow found out his number and were inviting him to worship with them.
I informed him that unless he had given out his mobile number it was virtually impossible for a person to get the mobile number of another person. He claimed ignorance about it and that was that.
If he had told me it was a female friend I wouldn't have minded. I have male friends and certainly shan't be ignoring them now I am with him.
It was just the excuse he used. The familiarity of the woman on the phone was in his voice, unless he talks to everyone as though they were best friends? Why use such an impossible excuse? It worried me.
Everybody has secrets. I have my fair share, for example, the real reason I will not allow myself to think about having children. He has his and I would like to respect that, if only I can get past this feeling of doubt.
If I am honest, the reason I do not trust this thing with him? It seems too good to be true. And I know that the beginning is always the stage where you lie to present yourself in your best manner before your partner finds out the truly worst in the following months. Unless we take the way I have behaved towards him of course.
I have been rude and sarcastic, mocking him at the slightest provocation, letting him know in my normal blunt little manner that I have had no need of anyone in the past 4 years and informing him that I could do quite well without him.
Saying that though, the last few weeks I have felt something that scares me more than I can probably admit which I know is the reason I keep trying to erect barriers between us, saying things to keep things playful rather than romantic, mocking him rather than telling him just how much I really like him.
I do like him. Nothing more than that, but that is due to the Prozac's numbing effects over everything.
I have been the perfect little response toy since taking the Prozac, responding as I feel people want me to rather than in the blank way I do at home. I can talk on the phone in front of people and be physically "happy", and I can talk at home, sounding exactly the same while sitting in my chair staring blankly at space.
Coming off the Prozac is a thought that tantalises me from time to time. Imagine my normal reactions without trying to force an emotion?
But I don't think I could handle my man without it. I get sucked into needing this kind of thing far too easily without the Prozac making me keep myself back and if he is only screwing me around while he is in the country, I would rather be able to feel hurt through the fog than through and through.